Time

A lot can happen in an hour, a day, a week, a month, and a year. Often in life, we find ourselves riding a wave of time that is so tall, so fast, and so furious that all we can do is release control and ride it out. Then, we wait until we find ourselves spent, on the shore, wondering how we lived through it. That describes my life over the past year. I’ve been lying on the shore now for almost three months. That is how long it has taken me to catch my breath.

To quote the familiar words of Bette Midler, “The wind beneath my wings” left the earth. My mama left this earth on April 17th at 4:42 p.m. I’m not yet ready to write all that I feel about her, about her death, or my life without her here; I pray one day I will be able to write about her and her influence on my life.
In the months leading up to her passing, I knew it was time to make some significant and challenging decisions for change in my life. I left my job on April 16th (yes, the day before my mother passed). My intention was to spend as much of the summer with her as she had left. Instead, as it turned out, I did not finish out the last four days as I was called home to help my family with mom. In some strange way, it was a blessing that it all happened at the same time. I wasn’t able to focus on how much I would miss my co-workers, my clients, and the responsibilities of my job.

During that same time, we sold our “forever home.” We weren’t really trying to sell our home; it just sort of happened. The week after we buried my mother, we came home, packed up, and moved into a smaller home with a few acres. Our plan is to build a barn, remodel this home and begin again settling into this home. Once again, in some strange way, with so many life changes happening at once, I couldn’t focus on that move or what my feelings were about leaving the house we designed and literally built to live in forever.

For the first time in 32 years, I have found myself with days that no one needs anything from me. It’s an extraordinary thought for a woman who is constantly moving, or working to have free time. I’ve traveled, I’ve read several books, I’ve nested as best as I can in this temporary space of the house I want to gut and start again to remodel. I’ve spent time with friends and grandkids. I have sat in the quiet and prayed so many prayers for guidance, healing, and direction. I’ve thanked God so many times for my mother’s life. Of course, I have cried buckets of tears. A girl without her mother on this earth is just unanchored. I still pick up the phone to call her; I miss her voice, I miss our conversations. I miss her laughter most of all, or is it her hugs, or her voice? I’m not quite sure.

We bought a cabin in North Georgia in December; we’ve spent a lot of time exploring the north Georgia small towns, rivers and waterfalls, and wineries. We apparently like projects, so we have been painting, building, and adding additional space to the basement and outdoor area. Time is slower there. Small businesses don’t have set hours. It’s almost as if they wake up and decide whether they will turn the open sign over that particular day or not. It reminds us of our childhood in our small hometowns in a lot of ways. It also reminds us to slow down and enjoy each moment.

The sand continues to shift, time continues to march on. Soon, I will be going back to work in the same industry, in a different role. I’m both excited and nervous. I will miss the luxury of just going with the flow of the day. I know that I need to have the structure in my life. I know I would grow bored and restless once the grandkids start back to school and summer is over. I’m not sure what life will look like in three months or three years. I just know that I will ride the wave, release control, and trust God to get me back to shore.

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